A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library. ~Shelby Foote

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

FFL Week One Update

And so it begins. The NFL is back, and while the Green Bay Packers will be racing with the Oakland Raiders for the worst team in the league in real football, Libertarian Librarian's fantasy football team, Ackphblllt! began its title defense with a 74 to 67 victory over one of our three new teams, the Metal Mayhem, out of Philly.


The standings may be found here.

Game Capsules
Fearsome Canines Impressive in Debut
Eli Manning outperformed his big brother and lost, but he lead a balanced attack by the Fearsome Canines that helped Coach Scotty roll up the high score for the week, knocking off I Hate Favre 89-74. Six of the Canines nine starters recorded double digit point totals, while the I Haters were hamstrung by star QB Carson Palmer's lackluster 5 point output. Despite the loss, Coach Rafal was happy with his backfield of Jamal Lewis (11) and Chester Taylor (16), both of whom had major question marks associated with them before the regular season kickoff.

Konnichiwa, Bitches!!! Wins Despite Excess Exclamation Points
Libertarian Librarian would like to congratulate Coach Troy for the proper use of the comma in his team name, but I'm afraid a petition has been filed in Federal Court to force him to limit his exclamation point usage to the standard one per sentence. The petition is being made on the basis of the harm such excess does to grammar in general, and the period, question mark and semicolon in particular. In football related news, Konnichiwa rode the revived arm of that fine Irish lad Donovan McNabb and the relentless defense of the San Diego Chargers to an easy 88 to 56 victory over The TONY REALI Experience. REALI got productive games out of its backfield of Dunn and Green, but the vaunted wide out corps of Houshmandzadeh, Randy Moss, and Galloway totaled only 4 points all together. Eww. Plus his QB, Trent Green, was rendered mostly dead by the Bengals. No word at this time if legal action is being considered against TONY REALI for excessive use of capitalization, but rest assured LL will keep you posted.

Newcomer Wins, Needs Name
nate won. Yeah, that really needs a little punching up, doncha think? Dude, give your team a name, willya? I mean, seriously, you win the new owner lottery to get Larry Johnson for years to come, and you can't even take the time to change your team name? Wat up wit dat? Anyhoo, afore mentioned Mr. Johnson, Brian Westbrook and the Green Bay Packers... err... oh, sorry, the Chicago Bears' Defense helped the Team With No Name take down Troy is going to Die., 84-73 despite Kurt Warner's 21 point performance for Die. On a side note, LL has it on good authority that the Grammar Police are investigating Troy is going to Die. for improper usage of a period. Whether there are mitigating factors, such as the lack of exclamation points because of overusage by, ironically, Troy's team, remains to be determined.

Ackphblt! Opens Title Defense With Victory
Lamont Jordan and Sebastian Janikowski blew serious chunks on Monday night, but fortunately for defending champ Ackphblt!, the rest of the team had already secured victory. Lead by Frank Gore's week high 24 points, Ackphblt! held off the Metal Mayhem, 74-67. Both coaches left premier performances on the bench, as the Mayhem played the Panthers' D (1) over the Bengals (13), while Coach Nick didn't play Dante Stallworth (18), the week's top wide receiver. Despite the loss, the Mayhem have to be encouraged by the strong performances of Tatum Bell and Julius Jones, two question marks coming into the season.

Motor City Cheese Pull It Out On Monday
Ladanian Tomlinson blew away fellow top pick Shaun Alexander, 18-5, and the Motor City Cheese came from behind on Monday night to beat the Muff Divers, 70-62. The Muff Divers were perhaps doomed from the get go, as Ladell Betts' playing time was greatly diminished by Clinton Portis' surprising amount of playing time. That and the fact that Marc Bulger could not throw a touchdown pass despite being in the red zone pretty much the entire game. I fear for the Cheese's longterm viability, however, when I see that they voluntarily started Robert Ferguson. Yikes. Deion Branch getting traded to the Seahawks happened none to soon for Bill and his cheddar.

Stench Wins As Huge Logo Crushes Cheddar Heads
Crippled by the weight of their massive team logo, the Cheddar Heads couldn't hope to keep pace with fast Willie Parker and the rest of the Stench, falling 70-56. Inside sources have told Libertarian Librarian that the huge logo is a result of the swelling of Coach Frank's head following last year's division title and runner-up finish in the championship game. Only Fred Taylor (15) played like a division winner for Coach Frank, however, and Stench rode strong performances by Parker (12), Steven Jackson (13) and Marvin Harrison (11) to cruise to victory. Rumors that the enormous logo actually injured the bench warming Labrandon Toefield when it toppled over in heavy winds are at this time unconfirmed. Assuming that such is not the case, this may well be the last time this column ever again mentions Mr. Toefield.

Sea Bass Best Freakish Orc Dudes
Undetered by the tusks, and armor, and white palm thingies, The Ill-Tempered Sea Bass did just enough right to take down The Fighting Uruk-Hai, 64-52. The Bass, perhaps embolden by word that their arch-enemies, the sting ray, were being taken down by passionate, if misguided, Aussies, got strong games from Rudi Johnson and the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Uruk-Hai, meanwhile, seemed somewhat lost without longtime field general Michael/Mike/Ron Vick/Mexico and mustered only 52 points, second lowest for the week. Or maybe its just that orcs are so yesterday's news.

Happy Scrappy Hero Pups Don't Fear the Reaper
You'd think with death on your side you'd be in good shape, but playing Duce Staley(0) and Jason Elam(4) over Drew Bennet(10) and Jeff Wilkins(18) proved to be too much for Mojo's scythe wielding crew to overcome as the happier of the league's canines pulled out an ugly 60-50 victory. The Baltimore Ravens' Defense accounted for over a 1/3 of the Pups' total, blistering the Buccanears for 22 points, Peyton Manning kicked in 14, and the rest of the team barely did enough to secure victory.


I must argue with your assessment of my use of exclamation points. My team name is a direct quote from the Wu Tang Clan, which is why it contains three exclamation points. (They initially wanted me to use 5 exclamation points, but I was able to negotiate it down to 3 without too much of a beating.)
Just because your team name is a quote from a "retarded" (direct quotation of Tom Jackson) cat, don't assign your weaknesses to me.
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