A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library. ~Shelby Foote

Friday, September 29, 2006

Fantasy Football Update: Week Three

Skipped right over Week Two, since none of my players attempted suicide OR had an allergic reaction to painkillers and steroi... supplements, and now we're into Week Three. Since my thrilling opening week victory, it's been all down hill for the Libertarian Librarian's Ackphblllt! Injuries, byes, and general suckitude will take their toll. At the moment, I don't believe I'm in a death spiral comparable to, say, the St. Louis Cardinals, but the two losses have been pretty brutal.

Onward.

Game Capsules

Dog Bites Orc
Coach "I am amazed by the simplicity of this game" Scotty left nearly 25% of his possible point production on the bench and his Fearsome Canines still won for the third straight time, nipping (Hah!) the Fighting Uruk-Hai, 75 to 69. With their backfield stymied, the doggies turned to the air (no frisbees), getting 20 points out of QB Eli Manning and 15 and 11 out of Andre Johnson and Muhsin Muhammad respectively. The Uruks, losers of three straight to start the season, got a good game out of Kevin Jones (16 points) but continued suckitude out of Duante Culpepper and Randy McMichael was too much for the White Hand of Saruman to overcome. You'd think Saruman would use some magic or something to get his boys to play a little better.

Wu Tang Clan Takes Down nate
Not surprising that a guy that can't even take the time to capitalize his name, much less come up with a team name, lost to a guy that capitalizes both words in his team name AND uses three exclamation points. However, the margin of the thumping is perhaps surprising-- 92 to 51-- as both teams came into the game undefeated. nate, oh hapless schmoe of the "can't be bothered to name my really good team" fame, was handicapped by the absence of Larry Johnson and Terry Glenn to byes, and the injury that took Rueben Droughns out very early. And yes, I am going to continue to rip on nate and his pathetically unnamed team until he bothers to take the lousy thirty seconds necessary to change it. Get in the game nate. Finally, last time I ripped Troy for excessive punctuation in his team name, citing the three exclamation points as pure bad form. Troy responded that he had no choice, this was simply Wu Tang Clan requirements, and that he risked ending up like Tupac if he went against the Clan. Which at first I accepted until it occurred to me that Troy knows Hip Hop/Rap about as well George Allen knows black people. Punk or alternative, sure, maybe rock and metal, but hip-hop and rap? So, I did some digging. Not much, I'll grant you, but several Google and Wikipedia searches later, I find Troy's explanation unconvincing. While the phrase, Konnichiwa, bitches does seem to have originated with the Wu Tang Clan, I can find no evidence of requisite three exclamation points. Indeed, on the song by the same name (a solo effort by Clan member Method Man), there are actually NO exclamation points. None. Not in the title, or in the phrase which is repeated frequently in the song. And it is spelled with only 1 n. Various Google hits do have three exclamation points, but far more have only two, one, or-- most frequently-- none at all. So. Dude, I think it's time to lose the exclamation points and consider the more traditional spelling. Before these killahz really do come after you. Word.

Stench Edges Happy Scrappy
For the first time all year a dog-themed team lost in the WBKL. It was close, 77-75, but Stench held off the Happy Scrappy Hero Pups behind a stellar game by Willie Parker (22 points). The victory kept Stench even with Konichiwa, Bitches! with a perfect 3-0 record, but the smelly ones trail Hip Hop boy by twenty points for the Peanut Butter Division lead. It was a sad day for lovers of annoying animated puppy sidekicks everywhere, as Javon Walker's monster 21 point performance came up just short for the Happy Scrappies. Even Peyton Manning scoring a rushing TD for the first time since the Wilson Administration was insufficient-- some weeks it's just not your day. Err... or something.

Fishies Win Battle of the Disgruntled
You had ill-tempered fish and Favre haters banging heads last weekend, and in the final accounting, it was the seawater breathers taking the win, 89 to 71. PO'ed fish can be dangerous. The game featured two "Pass first and hand the ball off later" offenses-- there were no running backs in double digits on either side-- but in the end Keyshawn's monster 17 point game and Pittsburgh's 12 point defensive output were enough to send the Favre Haters spiraling to their third straight loss. Coach Rafal really might want to consider getting a better defense-- to date his team has given up an average of 94.7 points each week. That's nearly 20 points above the league average, as Coach Rafal made quite clear to me in a recent rant-filled conversation. I feel your pain, man. I don't share it, nor do I wish to participate in it-- I have enough of my own with a team littered with injuries and suicide attempts, thank you-- but I fell it. For the Bass, the win moved them into sole possession of the Crap Ass-- I mean Jelly-- Division lead.

Big Block of Cheese Cheats Death
Despite, or perhaps because of?, a logo only slightly smaller than his Pluto-sized (not as big as a planet... but close!) original, the Cheddarheads were able to defeat Mojo's Reapers 77 to 67 behind Clinton Portis' monster 23 point game. It does seem odd that a bunch of guys armed with razorsharp scythes intent on harvesting the souls of mortals are only 1-2 so far, but perhaps they were confused by being pitted against fermented milk products? Or perhaps the wily Coach Frank had his curdish troops listening to Blue Oyster Cult before the game?

TTRE Beats Noisy Water Vapor
The TONY REALI Experience (and are all those capitals REALI necessary, Gym? Hah! Trying to make up for your Capital challenged Instant Messages?) got balanced, if unimpressive, scoring which was just enough output to defeat Cloud's Thunder, who got balanced and even less impressive scoring, 67 to 61. The win moved TTRE to 2-1 and kept them in the running in the Peanut Butter Division despite having a below average point total to date, while the loss dropped Cloud's Thunder to 0-3 despite having an above average point total to date. Go figure. Pearly whites trump noisy atmospheric disturbances every time, it appears.

Mayhem Get First Win
Behind massive doses of Megadeath, Metallica and ABBA, as well as good games by Tatum Bell and Torry Holt, the Metal Mayhem cruised to a 74 to 52 victory over the Motor City Cheese. The Cheese got a monster (24 points) game out of Matt Hasselbeck, but two goose eggs and the absence of L.T. were too much for Coach Bill's group. "It's disappointing, of course," said Coach Bill. "We wanted to uphold the honor of cheese, and with the Cheddarheads winning, we really had a chance to make a statement about the power of cheese. But it's tough when your best guy is off, and the rest of the team stank like Limburger.

Muffdivers Breakthrough!
Into the win column, you perverts. Strong games by Ladell Betts and Roy Williams were more than enough to offset a big goose egg by the Patriots defense as the Muffdivers sailed to an easy first victory-- 81 to 55 over Ackphblt! The vowel challenged felines were handicapped by the absence four starters to byes/injuries, and were never really close as they lost for the second straight week.

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Comments:
Every time you do an update, my team loses. I'm blaming that, or maybe a temporary lactose intolerance, for my week three loss.
 
ABBA was the key. Just told the team they would have to listen to ABBA until they won and everyone came out with a great game last week. Should have thought of this in week one.
 
The Uruk-Hai are regrouping. The Great Eye has instituted some changes: No more Lembas before games, and no more weekday furloughs to the Plains of Gorgoroth. We'll see how they do this week after they've felt the whip of Sauron for a few days.
 
Alright Mr.-I'm-the-Geeky-Wordsmith, I did a little checking of my own. While I did not know that Method Man had a song called Konichiwa Bi**ches - my reference was from a Dave Chappelle skit, which you might have noticed that I have a picture of Dave Chappelle for my team, I did notice that his song title (while lacking exclamation points), also lacks the comma that you had said was appropriate. (Check out the songs list for the album 4:21...The Day After http://www.amazon.com/4-21-After-Method-Man/dp/B000FVBKW6/sr=8-1/qid=1159716834/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-5896433-1902316?ie=UTF8&s=music ).
Keep up the wordsmithing, and the rest of us will keep us the ass-kicking of your team.
 
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That is nice and meaningful. Thank you
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