A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library. ~Shelby Foote

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Steroids Investigation Hits PBS!

Even as the shockwaves from the June 7th raid of Arizona Diamondbacks’ pitcher Jason Grimsley are still being felt in the sports world, new allegations of steroid abuse are rocking the world of children’s literature and TV programming. The Libertarian Librarian was able to confirm today that the FBI agents have raided the home of Norman Bridwell, creator of Clifford the Big Red Dog, the studios of PBS Kids, and the offices of Scholastic Books, publishers of the Clifford books.

While there is no word yet as to the results of those searches, fellow children’s book author Maurice Sendak feels there is little doubt that Human Growth Hormone (Hgh) and other steroids will be discovered.

“Oh they’ll find growth hormone, no question,” said Sendak, exclusively to Libertarian Librarian. “The fact that Bridwell, Scholastic and PBS used Hgh and other steroids to beef Clifford up is no secret in the industry. I mean, seriously, how does a normal dog go from the size of your fist to 20-feet tall? Bridwell has always claimed that Emily Elizabeth’s love made him ‘grow so big’, but please. I’ve also heard that they had to cancel filming of new Clifford episodes because the dog is completely crippled up by years of steroid abuse.”

Sendak, the author of Where the Wild Things Are as well as the Little Bear books, also intimated that Clifford might not be the only target in the PBS search. “It’s out of control over there. Ever since Big Bird was a success back in the late ‘70s there’s been a lot of pressure on the PBS guys to have more big animal stars.”

PBS spokesman George Shrinks, originally a one-off by William Joyce before nabbing his own show on PBS Kids, stated that Sendak’s aspersions were completely baseless. “Or course there is no steroid use at PBS,” said the six-inch tall Shrinks. “Look at me. You think I’d stay this size if I had a chance to be huge? Clifford grew so big because of Emily Elizabeth’s love, end of story. And Big Bird is just that—big. Always has been. Even as an egg. His mother had to invite over other relatives to help her keep Big Bird’s egg warm. Seriously.”

Shrinks also commented that Sendak might want to look out for his own glass house before throwing any rocks. “Maurice Sendak is one to talk. I mean, look at his characters and tell me those monsters aren’t the result of some sort of genetic engineering.”

When asked about genetic tampering allegations regarding his own creations, Sendak referred us to his lawyers.

The Howards, owners of Clifford, officially had no comment regarding the investigation. Libertarian Librarian was able to get a few quotes from Emily Elizabeth, their young daughter, who's love allegedly resulted in Clifford's phenomenal growth from tiny puppy to gargantuan red behemoth, before Mr. Howard rushed the girl inside. “I know it’s not true,” said young Emily Elizabeth—who, for reasons unknown, is always referred to by both names. “My daddy told me Clifford wouldn’t stay a scrawny little runt of a dog if only I loved him hard enough. So, that’s what I did. I loved him, and I rubbed in the special vitamin gel daddy got for Clifford every day. And it worked—my love made him grow huge.”

Libertarian Librarian will keep you posted on this important story as more details emerge.

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