Libertarian Librarian

Singer and actor Isaac Hayes, who is also an outspoken Scientologist, has been taken into custody by Tennessee state troopers, Libertarian Librarian sources have learned. Hayes was apprehended by the Tennessee law enforcement officers at his home near Memphis and taken to the local prison, where he is being guarded by both state troopers and officials of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC).

Bobby Welch, current President of the SBC, told the troopers to arrest Hayes after it was discovered that Hayes-- a Baptist in his childhood-- had converted to Scientology. The charge cited on the arrest report is apostasy, or the renouncing of one religion for another.

"The recent case of Abdul Rahman in Afghanistan really changed our view on how to spread God's word," said Welch in comments made this morning, soon after Hayes' arrest. "Southern Baptists believe persuasion and the influence of the Holy Spirit aid our missionaries in spreading the truth of Jesus and the Bible. But that only applies to the heathens who don't know any better. In the past, we would have allowed Hayes to go about his business, but the Imams in Afghanistan have really opened our eyes to the importance of not losing even one member of your flock. For those who have known the truth of Jesus' love, and rejected it, there can be no recourse. They must be killed. Jesus would want it that way."

Although Hayes has been a member of the Church of Scientology for over a decade, his conversion from Christianity had gone unnoticed by Baptist Church officials until the recent kerfuffle over Hayes' role as Chef in the South Park animated tv show. That show's creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, have been under a threat of death from both the Baptist and the Catholic Church for a number of years-- a result of the show's satirical take on Christianity and on Jesus Christ.

"Stone and Parker have been the focus of righteous jihad for many years," Welch noted, "but since watching their despicable dreck is grounds for instant beheading for our members, Hayes' conversion to Scientology only came to our attention recently. Jay Leno mentioned something about it in between several of his hilarious gay-bashing Brokeback Mountain bits, and that got our attention."

President Bush called on the SBC to moderate their position, and sources within the Justice Department are exploring legal options for Hayes. They think there might be something in "that Constitution thingie," but so far have been unable to find any legal precedent that would help Hayes escape execution. Leaders throughout Europe also called on the Baptists to rescind their death sentence, though they noted that this was only a "recommendation, not a condemnation, and please don't burn any of our embassies."

Legal scholars consulted by Libertarian Librarian believe that Hayes may be legally insane, and thus immune from the Baptists' threats of death.

"Given that Scientology is basically a cult started by a hack C-list science fiction author, converting to it from anything other than cannibalistic idol worship could well be considered a sign of mental illness," said attorney George Howe, of the firm Boywe, Screwum & Howe. "Church law prohibits the killing of the mentally infirm," continued Howe, "though taking all their money and sticking them in a dungheap of a group home is perfectly acceptable."

Rest assured that Libertarian Librarian will keep you up-to-date on developments in this intriguing story.

Labels: Politics, Writings