A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library. ~Shelby Foote

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Fantasy Football Update, Week Thirteen

Well that was sad and pathetic. I only needed to win one of my last two, and I couldn't even do that. Still had a shot going into Monday Night, needing a mere 161 yards our of Joe Jurevic... Juryvi... Joe Jurevic... some wide receiver guy for the Seahawks. Know how many yards he got me? ZERO! A big honkin' goose egg! Nice work, blockhead. So, to the Terribly Average Bowl I go.

v. 11 #12


The Dingo's Kidneys Division
1. Stumbling Alcoholics, 9-4, 626.1
2. Metal Mayhem, 9-4, 608.3
3. Motor City Cheeseheads, 7-6, 641.5
4. Renaissance Men, 7-6, 573.4
5. Hairballs, 6-7, 624.6
6. Diamond Boys, 6-7, 573.3
7. Knights Who Say Ni, 4-9, 564.3

The Didjeridoo Division
1. Fearsome Canines, 10-3, 771.1
2. Chocolate Foam, 8-5, 569.2
3. Posts, 7-6, 631.6
4. Centurions, 6-7, 640.6
5. Snowmobilers, 5-8, 611.0
6. Dimestick Cowboys, 5-8, 581.7
7. Bartenders, 2-11, 457.4

The playoffs are today…
1. Fearsome Canines, 10-3, 771.1
2. Stumbling Alcoholics, 9-4, 626.1
3. Metal Mayhem, 9-4, 608.3
4. Chocolate Foam, 8-5, 569.2
5. Motor City Cheeseheads, 7-6, 641.5
6. Centurions, 640.6

On the outside looking in:
7. Posts, 7-6, 631.6
7. Posts, 631.6

The Barrel Bowl is today…
11. Snowmobilers, 5-8, 611.0
12. Dimestick Cowboys, 5-8, 581.7
13. Knights Who Say Ni, 4-9, 564.3
14. Bartenders, 2-11, 457.4

The Terribly Average Bowl is today...
7. Posts, 7-6, 631.6
8. Renaissance Men, 7-6, 573.4
9. Hairballs, 6-7, 624.6
10. Diamond Boys, 6-7, 573.3

Stat of the Week I: Coach Scottie's #1 seeded Fearsome Canines scored nearly 10 points a game more than the second highest scoring team in the league-- he needed four more yards.

Stat of the Week II: Coach Scottie's #1 seeded Fearsome Canines scored more than 200 HUNDRED points more than the second place team in his division, the Chocolate Foam, or roughly 15.5 points a game.

Stat of the Week III: Coach McMasterFlyIsInMySoupYO's Chocolate Foam had the third worst point total in the league and the fourth best record. You know what they say about defense....

PICKUP ALERT: There is one last weekly pickup. Pickups are in inverse order of record with points as the tie-breaker for teams with the same record. You can enter your choices on the web site, or email/call them into me. Please do so before Wednesday, 9:00 PM Central Time. This is the last pickup period, folks.

TRADES: No new trades before the deadline. Trading is now anthema. Violators will be mercilessly mocked and rapidly ridiculed.

Regular Season Wrap-up

Fearsome Canines, 10-3, 771.1
These guys are good. They are averaging nearly 60 points a game, 59.3, which is a league record. I predicted a 7-6 finish and a likely playoff run. Hmm... call that prediction fair to below average. Enjoy your week off, Scotty, your guys earned it. The bingo bonus for the Canines is that their stars, mostly Bengals and Chargers, will almost certainly not be getting week 15 or 16 off.

Stumbling Alcoholics, 9-4, 626.1
Despite having only the fourth best point total, and the second best in their division, the Alcoholics secured the #2 seed, and that first round bye is huge. Predicted finish: 7-6. Okay, I was off, again. I also said Reggie Brown and Antonion Bryant would be good. Now you know why I'm not in the playoffs. I'm actually still not entirely certain how this team won their division.

Metal Mayhem, 9-4, 608.3
Survived the deaths, or at least comatose states, of Duante Culpepper, Kevin Jones, Kevan Barlow and Darrell Jackson to still make the playoffs. Of course, getting Steven Jackson for Anquan Boldin didn't hurt and Priest Holmes breaking was also a rather significant bonus, but regardless, a nice coaching job. Projected finish: 6-7. Geez, I suck.

Chocolate Foam, 8-5, 569.2
Still not sure how this group of yahoos ever managed to win eight games. Actually, they've played better of late, and if Big Ben keeps putting up numbers anywhere near his 19.5 last week, the Foam could be a very dangerous playoff team. Projected finish: 8-5! Woot! Hah! Hah, I say! Man, I'm good.

Motor City Cheeseheads, 7-6, 641.5
Finished strong to make the playoffs. A well-balanced squad, the biggest danger for the Cheeseheads is that Indianapolis will have a #1 seed wrapped up after this week and Manning and Harrison will be riding the pine for much, or all, of weeks 15 and 16. Predicted finish: 6-7. You see, here's where all my safe, middle of the pack picks come through for me, baybee! Okay, I was off by one, but still.

Posts, 7-6, 631.6
One week sooner, John. If you had paid me just one week sooner... ah well. Everyone in the playoffs breathe a sigh of relief as the hottest team in the league, the Posts-- who are winners of seven straight games-- just missed the playoffs. Now the question is whether the Posts can run the streak to nine and claim the title of the Best of the Mediocre! Predicted finish: 8-5. Well, if he had paid me sooner, I would've been right. Let that be a lesson to all of us.

Renaissance Men, 7-6, 573.4
Ahman Green, we barely knew ye. Or at least, I suspect that's what Coach Russ was thinking when his early second round draft pick went down. Despite the loss of Green, the rusty dudes did just enough to win more than they lost, which got them all the way to the Terribly Average Bowl. C'est la vie. Predicted finish: 8-5. Only missed by 1! Hey, I have to take solace somewhere, right?

Centurions, 6-7, 640.6
Riding high into the playoffs on the wings of a four game losing streak. Nice. They also face the discouraging prospect of losing the Edge in the coming weeks if Indy wraps things up in short order. Predicted finish: 6-7. Man, do I rock, or what?!

Hairballs, 6-7, 624.6
Yikes. This team has the intestinal fortitude of a skinny ten-year old that just ate a whole bag of White Castle sliders. What a collapse. Sigh. I hate Jamal Lewis, I do, but mostly I hate Brian "I'm a frick'n offensive genius" Billick for not benching Lewis' sorry ass for Chester Taylor, a move that might have gotten me into the playoffs. You're offensive Brian, I'll give you that much. Predicted finish: 6-7. Hah! See, I know when I'm mediocre.

Diamond Boys, 6-7, 573.3
If Frank can guess which running backs to start, he has a shot at taking home the Terribly Average Bowl chalice... okay, it's not really a chalice. Actually, it's not really anything except a title. But chalice sounded nice, don't you think? Predicted finish: 7-6. Not bad.

Snowmobilers, 5-8, 611.0
Slid into the Barrel Bowl on the "strength" of a season-ending two game losing streak. Still, with Samkon on board, and Boldin catching everything Warner heaves up, the 'Bilers have a good shot at not winning the Barrel Bowl. Projected finish: 6-7. Didn't see him as a Barrel Bowl team, though. My bad.

Dimestick Cowboys, 5-8, 581.7
Finished strong-- three straight wins-- to remain firmly ensconced in the Barrel Bowl. That's what those seven games losing streaks will do to you. The Cowboys have been productive of late, so the Kanniggits That Say Ni will have their hands full in the first round of the Barrel Bowl. Predicted Finish: 4-9. Ah, man-- you had to win your last three just to spite me, didn't you C.?

Knights Who Say Ni, 4-9, 564.3
The Deuce got whacked, and Arrington was a bust. Vick is inconsistent, Colbert was a no show and T.O. is an ass. There, my friends, is a recipe for a bad season. Only the Bartenders may stand between the Ni sayers and the Barrel Bowl "Trophy". Predicted finish: 7-6. Hmm... well, in my defense, I did say they could finish with anything from 4-9 to 10.3. So, I was right about that part.

Barkeeps, 2-11, 457.4
Not actually sure how Tony managed to win twice with this group. The odds on favorite to "win" the Barrel Bowl. Predicted finish: 5-8. I was either being nice to Tony or riding a five-day crack high when I made that prediction.


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