A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library. ~Shelby Foote

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Fantasy Football Update, Week Ten

Crunch Time. The Home Stretch. Bottom of the Ninth. Two-Minute Drill. Hmm... any other sports cliches I can overuse? Probably, but who has time. Let's just say the regular season is nearing and the post-season looms:

v. 11 #9


Conflict Resolution Division
1. Stumbling Alcoholics, 7-3, 486.7
2. Metal Mayhem, 7-3, 478.6
3. Renaissance Men, 6-4, 442.1
4. Motor City Cheeseheads, 5-5, 486.5
5. Hairballs, 5-5, 484.4
6. Diamond Boys, 5-5, 449.7
7. Knights Who Say Ni, 3-7, 448.3

Adult Development and Aging Division
1. Fearsome Canines, 8-2, 581.9
2. Centurions, 6-4, 486.3
3. Chocolate Foam, 6-4, 441.6
4. Posts, 4-6, 468.7
5. Snowmobilers, 4-6, 460.1
6. Dimestick Cowboys, 2-8, 415.8
7. Bartenders, 2-8, 359.8

If the playoffs were today…
1. Fearsome Canines, 8-2, 581.9
2. Stumbling Alcoholics, 7-3, 486.7
3. Metal Mayhem, 7-3, 478.6
4. Centurions, 6-4, 486.3
5. Renaissance Men, 6-4, 442.1
6. Motor City Cheezeheadz, 486.5

On the outside looking in:
7. Chocolate Foam, 6-4, 441.6
7. Hairballs, 484.4

If the Barrel Bowl were today…
11. Snowmobilers, 4-6, 460.1
12. Knights Who Say Ni, 3-7, 448.3
13. Dimestick Cowboys, 2-8, 415.8
14. Bartenders, 2-8, 359.8

On the edge of ignominity...
10. Posts, 4-6, 468.7

If the Terribly Average Bowl were today...
7. Motor City Cheeseheads, 5-5, 486.5
8. Hairballs, 5-5, 484.4
9. Diamond Boys, 5-5, 449.7
10. Posts, 4-6, 468.7

Stat of the Week I: Normally, there's an adjustment period for new owners coming into this league. Coach Scotty, for example, wallowed in the bottom third of the league for... I don't know... at least a decade or two before he made the playoffs. This year, we have two new owners, and they are currently both in the top five for scoring, and in the playoffs. Yo! Bill/Keith/Paul and Steve-- you're new, you're supposed to suck. Could you please stop being good? My apologies to the rest of the league for recruiting guys that actually know what their doing.

Stat of the Week II: Man, I really outta listen to myself. I've admonished several other coaches in the league for playing lots of guys that were outscored by guys on the bench-- so naturally this week I play four, yes four, players that were outscored by folks on my bench. Nice work, bonehead. Pretty sure those 12 points won't come in handy or anything.

Stat of the Week III: Quick, name the top five scoring wide receivers in our league (no peeking!). No doubt all of us pictured Santana Moss, Steve Smith, Larry Fitzgerald, Joey Galloway and Chad Johnson being the top receivers after ten weeks. Owens (currently sixth despite missing two games) would be there except for the fact that he's the world's biggest ass, but the fact remains that he is not now, nor will be by the end of the season, a top five receiver.

PICKUP ALERT: There are still weekly pickups. Pickups are in inverse order of record with points as the tie-breaker for teams with the same record. You can enter your choices on the web site, or email/call them into me. Please do so before Wednesday, 9:00 PM Central Time. Pickups will continue until the Wed. after the regular season ends.

TRADES: No new trades before the deadline. Trading is now anthema. Violators will be mercilessly mocked and rapidly ridiculed.

Playoff Prospects

Fearsome Canines, 8-2, 581.9
They lost by one yard-- one yard!-- to the Alcoholics last week and thus did not lock up the #1 seed, but with nearly 100 points more than the second highest scoring team, the Canines are clearly the team to beat as we head down the stretch. One victory pretty much guarentees Coach Scotty's group a first round bye, as it is difficult to picture the second place Centurions winning out AND outscoring the Canines by over 100 in three games. Remaining schedule: Posts (4-6), Centurions (6-4), Barkeeps (2-8).

Stumbling Alcoholics, 7-3, 486.7
This up and down bunch seems destined for the playoffs, but whether they can hang on to the Conflict Resolution Division title, second seed and first round bye, remains to be seen. Certainly their 58.1 to 58.0 victory over the Canines was a big step in that direction, and they have a fairly soft remaining schedule, but the Metal Mayhem are right on their heels, less than ten points behind. Remaining schedule: Dimestick Cowboys (2-8), Snowmobilers (4-6), Hairballs (5-5).

Metal Mayhem, 7-3, 478.6
Early in the season, the Mayhem seemed to win almost in spite of themselves-- or with smoke and mirrors as Coach Steve put it, but the last two weeks they've won big games over the Stumbling Alcoholics and the Motor City Cheeseheads with solid games up and down their lineup. The Mayhem seems to be peaking at the right time, which bodes well for these long-haired freaky people as we head towards the post-season. Remaining schedule: Diamond Boys (5-5), Chocolate Foam (6-4), Renaissance Men (6-4).

Centurions, 6-4, 486.3
The Centurions lost their Edge last week, and his absence cost them in a 33.8 to 44.4 loss to the Renaissance Men, but with the last bye week out of the way, the Centurions seem to be in good shape for a playoff run. They'll have to earn their berth though, as the remaining schedule features three teams in the top five for scoring. Winning the Adult Development and Aging Division is a very long shot, but a wild card berth should be within reach if Coach Adam can keep his players performing at their present level. Remaining schedule: Hairballs (5-5), Fearsome Canines (8-2), Motor City Cheeseheads (5-5).

Renaissance Men, 6-4, 442.1
Just when I'm ready to bury these guys once and forever, they bounce back with a big win. Despite being the fourth lowest scoring team in the league, the Ren Men have scraped out six wins, and if they can win two or three of their final games, will likely be in the playoffs. That whole defense wins championships thing. I guess. Wins are vital, as it does not appear that points will get this group into the playoffs. Remaining schedule: Chocolate Foam (6-4), Posts (4-6), Metal Mayhem (7-3).

Chocolate Foam, 6-4, 441.6
See Renaissance Men above. Except they have the third lowest scoring team in the league. Naturally, these two defensive behemoths clash this weekend, so one of them will manage to win. Remaining schedule: Renaissance Men (6-4), Metal Mayhem (7-3), Snowmobilers (4-6).

Motor City Cheeseheads, 5-5, 486.5
This three-headed coacing monstrosity currently has the third highest point total in the league and a weak remaining schedule. If they win out, there are pretty much guarenteed a playoff berth, but even two wins may be sufficient with their high point total. And, of course, if they can hold onto they have a good, though not guarenteed, chance of winning the sixth seed even if they can't convert two out of the remaining three games. Remaining schedule: Knights Who Say Ni (3-7), Barkeeps (2-8), Centurions (6-4).

Hairballs, 5-5, 484.4
See Motor City Cheeseheads above, except without the three-headed monstrosity thing, and a significantly more difficult remaining schedule. The Hairballs best shot may come down to winning the sixth slot, in which case they are going to big fans of the Cheeseheads winning and the Ren Men and Foam losing. Remaining schedule: Centurions (6-4), Diamond Boys (4-6), Stumbling Alcoholics (7-3).

Diamond Boys, 5-5, 449.7
With a significantly lower point total than the Hairballs or Cheeseheads, the Diamond Boys probably don't have much of a shot at the sixth seed, which leaves them needing at least two wins, and probably a clean sweep of the remaining games to make the playoffs. Don't count the Boys out, however, as they've won two straight just to get into a position of competing for the playoffs. Remaining schedule: Metal Mayhem (7-3), Hairballs (5-5), Dimestick Cowboys (2-8).

Posts, 4-6, 468.7
If only he had paid me at the start of the season, Coach John's group might be 10-0. They are 4-0 since paying me, that for certain, so watch out for this group down the stretch. Having dug themselves and 0-6 hole, a top five seed is unlikely, though not impossible. More likely is the sixth seed, as the Posts have made up a lot of ground in the last few weeks and are less than 20 points back of the Cheeseheads right now. Remaining schedule: Fearsome Canines (8-2), Renaissance Men (6-4), Knights Who Say Ni (3-7).

Snowmobilers, 4-6, 460.1
With the addition of Samkon Gado you can't stop the Snowmobilers, you can only hope to contain them. Okay, maybe not, but they still have an outside shot at the sixth seed and hope to win at least two more to escape the Barrel Bowl. And they have that Tiki guy-- I hear he doesn't suck. Remaining schedule: Barkeeps (2-8), Stumbling Alcoholics (7-3), Chocolate Foam (6-4).

Knights Who Say Ni, 3-7, 448.3
Scoring 28 points in a loss to the Foam this week probably ended any chance Coach Rod had at making the playoffs. With a losing season guarenteed and a boatload of teams ahead of them for total points, the remaining games provide the Knights with a way out of the Barrel Bowl, nothing else. Still a goal worth striving for, and a fairly easy schedule could help. Remaining schedule: Motor City Cheeseheads (5-5), Dimestick Cowboys (2-8), Posts (4-6).

Dimestick Cowboys, 2-8, 415.8
Riding a seven game losing streak, the Cowboys are fighting the Barkeeps for the "top" seed in the Barrel Bowl. If the Cadillac ever gets on the road again, C.J.'s group could play spoiler, but even running the table might not get them out of the Barrel Bowl. Remaining schedule: Stumbling Alcoholics (7-3), Knights Who Say Ni (3-7), Diamond Boys (5-5).

Bartenders, 2-8, 359.8
Seemly snake bit at every turn, I give Tony credit for not giving up on his team. But I mean, what are you going to do when Priest Holmes, Thomas Jones, and Cedric Benson all go down at the same time? Tony lost by 14 yards this week, by the way, and that was with Benson leaving in the second quarter. Ouch. Remaining schedule: Snowmobilers (5-5), Motor City Cheeseheads (5-5), Fearsome Canines (8-2).


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