A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library. ~Shelby Foote

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Fantasy Football Update, Week Eight

It's the home stretch and nearly every team has a legitimate shot at the playoffs, even the previously winless Posts.

v. 11 #7


Red Neck Division
1. Stumbling Alcoholics, 6-2, 381.2
2. Mullet Mayhem, 5-3, 3370.2
3. High School Graduates, 5-3, 361.0
4. Hairballs, 4-4, 400.1
5. Rusted Gremlin Cheeseheads, 4-4, 377.5
6. Knights Who Say "All y'all", 3-5, 378.1
7. Chunks of Quartz Boys, 3-5, 371.4

Edumacated Division
1. Fearsome Suma Cum Laude, 7-1, 455.0
2. Baccalaureates, 5-3, 403.6
3. Girls Gone Wild: College Girls Exposed, 5-3, 372.4
4. Cross Country Skiers, 3-5, 375.9
5. Endowed Chair, 2-6, 369.7
6. Eurostick Cowboys, 2-6, 330.7
7. Pub Mixologists, 2-6, 308.3

If the playoffs were today…
1. Fearsome Suma Cum Laude, 7-1, 455.0
2. Stumbling Alcoholics, 6-2, 381.2
3. Baccalaureates, 5-3, 403.6
4. Girls Gone Wild: College Girls Exposed, 5-3, 372.4
5. Mullet Mayhem, 5-3, 370.2
6. Hairballs, 400.1

On the outside looking in:
7. High School Graduates, 5-3, 361.0
7. Knights Who Say All Y'all, 378.1

If the Barrel Bowl were today…
11. Chunks of Quartz Boys, 3-5, 371.4
12. Endowed Chairs, 2-6, 369.7
13. Eurostick Cowboys, 2-6, 330.7
14. Pub Mixologists, 2-6, 308.3

On the edge of ignominity...
10. Cross Country Skiers, 3-5, 375.9

If the Terribly Average Bowl were today...
7. Hairballs, 4-4, 400.1
8. Rusted Gremlin Cheeseheads, 4-4, 377.5
9. Knights Who Say All Y'all, 3-5, 378.1
10. Cross Country Skiers, 3-5, 375.9

Stat of the Week I: I think it is time to discontinue this item. Does anyone have any doubt that Steve Smith is the best wide receiving Smith in the league right now? Didn't think so. Much as I enjoy ridiculing Frank, the time has come to move on. Besides, Steve Smith is the #1 WR in the entire league right now, while Rod and Jimmy are 12th and 24th respectively-- let's go out on a high note.

Stat of the Week II: Coach John's Endowed Chairs won their second game in a row despite starting three players that would've been better off on the bench. His victory was no doubt aided by the fact that Coach Steve of the Mullet Mayhem played four guys who would've been better off on the bench. Nice coaching, boys.

Stat of the Week III: The offer is still open to have me ridicule your team, thus inspiring them to great heights of achievement. This technique is 100% successful so far, but is only good for two weeks-- after two straight victories and 50+ points, the drunken ones pretty well sucked in a loss this week. Actually, the technique may be good for longer than two weeks with other teams-- the attention span of a stumbling alcoholic is probably less than for any other group.

Stat of the Week IV: GM Dave traded away Steven Jackson prior to this week's game, which prevented him from fielding two 20+ running backs. I do not have the time to go back into the archives and make sure, but I strongly suspect that this would've have been a first for our league. But hey, who needs 40+ out of their backfield, right?

PICKUP ALERT: There are weekly pickups. Pickups are in inverse order of record with points as the tie-breaker for teams with the same record. You can enter your choices on the web site, or email/call them into me. Please do so before Wednesday, 9:00 PM Central Time.

TRADES: No new trades so far this week. Please note, the trading deadline is kickoff of the week 10 games-- you have less than two weeks to conclude any trades.

Game Capsules

Fearsome Suma Cum Laude Win the Craine Blood Bath Easily
The outcome was never in doubt. I mean, the Fearsome Suma Cum Laude won by two yards-- you'd think Coach Dave's Cross Country Skiers would've at least tried to win instead of rolling over in a 62.8 to 62.6 loss to little brother Scott. As noted above, Steven Jackson's 20.0 would've looked good next to Tiki Barber's 21.1, but Anquan Boldin did kick in 6.9 before getting hurt. So that's something. The Suma Cum Laude relied on extremely balanced scoring for their victory, with Chad Johnson bringing up the rear after recording a mere 7.0. The two yard victory, combined with losses by the Stumbling Alcoholics and Baccalaureates, left the Fearsome ones with a near strangle hold on the Edumacated Division title and #1 seed.

Girls Gone Wild Pummel Baccalaureates
While the Fearsome Suma Cum Laude were crushing in the Craine Brothers Blood Bath, the Girls Gone Wild were winning a laugher over Coach Adam's group, 54.7 to 54.3. League sources maintain that the 4 yard margin of victory was not the largest ever recorded, but the Update remains skeptical-- I mean it was four yards! Gym Jim's domination was lead by Fred Taylor's 16.5, while Coach Adam's pathetic effort was lead by recently acquired Trent Green, who notched 17.5. After the demolition, Coach Adam was philosophical, "Yeah, we got annihilated, but hey, we were missing the Edge and were playing 5 on 6-- we deserved to get completely obliterated. Plus, it's hard to concentrate out there when you're playing against Girls Gone Wild. We'll bounce back-- if there's anything I've learned about this team, it's that they're resilient. Oh, and they like to chant 'Toga, toga, toga' while watching Girls Gone Wild and drinking huge quantities of beer."

Knights Who Say All Y'all Edge Stumbling Alcoholics
It was a nailbiter to the bitter end, but with Anthony Wright's 12.8 and Todd Heap's 3.8 on Monday Night Football, the Knights Who Say All Y'all managed to nip the Stumbling Alcoholics, 60.0 to 38.4. "Phew," said Coach Paul Edinger after the contest, "that was close. I mean, we went into Monday Night knowing we needed more than -5.0 and fortunately Wright and Heap were able to come up with just barely enough for the 21.6 point victory. Naturally, you'd always like to win easily, but we'll take the W, no matter how ugly the game." Coach Troy was unavailable for comment after the disheartening, last second defeat, but team sources state that the coach was disappointed his team wasn't able to hold Wright and Heap to minus 5.1 and denied rumors that he was passed out in the visitor's showers.

Endowed Chair's Win Squeaker Over Mullet Mayhem
Newly acquired stud RB Steven Jackson put up monster numbers for the Mullet Mayhem, but the rest of Coach Steve's team barely managed to surpass Jackson's 20 points, and the Endowed Chairs hung on for a narrow 52.4 to 40.5 victory. The victory was the second in a row for the suddenly resurgent Chairs, and the turnaround seems to have a direct causal relationship to the re-emergence of Tony Gonzalez as a guy who actually catches passes. Though the Endowed Chairs won, the victory didn't have to be so close, as Coach John once again played three guys that were outscored by players on the bench-- the Chairs could've scored 72.6. John scoffed at such minutae after the victory, "See, Mr. Update smarty-pants person-- we can win even when I only guess half of the lineup right. A pox on you and your 'start players that actaully score' philosophy. Play the guys you like regardless of whether you have better options on the bench. That's what I'm talkin' about."

Hairballs Hang On Against Pub Mixologists
Needing more than -5.0 out of Jamal Lewis on Monday night, the Hairballs managed to get actual positive yardage out of their number one draft pick and broke their four game losing streak with a 50.6 to 39.5 victory. Combined with losses by the Stumbling Alcoholics and Mullet Mayhem, the victory kept the Hairballs faint hopes for a Redneck Division title alive. For the Mixologists, the loss was their third straight and may have sealed their fate as a Barrel Bowl contender. The Hairballs were, once again, lead by Steve Smith, who hung 201 yards on smack talking ignoramous Viking, Fred Smoot.

Rusted Gremlin Cheeseheads Crush Chunks of Quartz Boys
The muffler is gone, there's a spare on the right rear side, and you have to add oil every 300 miles, but the Rusted Gremlin still ran clean over the Chunks of Quartz Boys this week, 54.4 to 43.2. Lead by that fine Scottish lad Willis McGahee's 15.7, the Cheeseheads kept their playoff hopes alive in the battle of 3-4 squads. The Quartz Boys, meanwhile, were handicapped by having that fine Irish lad Donovan McNabb's 15.4 on the bench, and now face an uphill climb to the playoffs in the tough Redneck Division.

Seriously, Did Someone HAVE to Win?
Good grief. For the second time this year, the High School Graduates won despite scoring less than 35 points. This time around, the overachieving rednecks (they got a diploma for crimney's sake!) took down the death spiraling Euro Cowboys, 32.5 to 23.7. Ravaged by injuries and the bye week, the Cowboys were barely able to field an entire team of legitimate NFL players. Actually, considering they started Ron Dayne, perhaps they were unable to field an entire team of legitimate NFL players. Personally, I once again believe that neither team deserves a win, but precedent would dictate that Coach Russ' team receive the W, and I guess we're stuck with that.


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