Libertarian Librarian

v. 11 #5

Standings

Piece of Work Division
1. Stumbling Alcoholics, 4-1, 226.9
2. Hairballs, 3-2, 265.1
3. Metal Mayhem, 3-2, 249.0
4. Renaissance Men, 3-2, 233.6
5. Diamond Boys, 2-3, 244.6
6. Motor City Cheeseheads, 2-3, 230.5
7. Knights Who Say Ni, 1-4, 228.1

Cinematic Doubletake Division
1. Fearsome Canines, 4-1, 284.0
2. Centurions, 4-1, 265.8
3. Chocolate Foam, 3-2, 250.4
4. Dimestick Cowboys, 2-3, 235.8
5. Snowmobilers, 2-3, 221.8
6. Barkeeps, 2-3, 191.0
7. Posts, 0-5, 218.0

If the playoffs were today…
1. Fearsome Canines, 4-1, 284.0
2. Stumbling Alcoholics, 4-1, 226.9
3. Centurions, 4-1, 265.8
4. Hairballs, 3-2, 265.1
5. Chocolate Foam, 3-2, 250.4
6. Metal Mayhem, 249.0

On the outside looking in:
7. Renaissance Men, 3-2, 233.6
7. Diamond Boys, 244.6

If the Barrel Bowl were today…
11. Snowmobilers, 2-3, 221.8
12. Barkeeps, 2-3, 191.0
13. Knights Who Say Ni, 1-3, 228.1
14. Posts, 0-5, 218.0

On the edge of ignominity...
10. Motor City Cheeseheadss, 2-3, 230.5


Stat of the Week I: During the draft, GM Frank of the Diamond Boys joked not once, not twice, but at least four times that GM Nick of the Hairballs had selected the third best Smith (Steve) earlier than two other, better, Smiths (Jimmy and Rod). After five weeks: Steve Smith, 47.3 (6th best WR to date), Jimmy Smith, 37.2 (14th), and Rod Smith, 30.9 (21st). Given that all three are in or near the top 20, you can safely say that all three are very good. Granted it is very early, but to date, GM Frank’s claim that Steve is the least of the three Smiths doesn’t seem to carry much freight. Thankfully, not everyone is employing the Packers' "ten guys cover Steve Smith" philosophy.

Stat of the Week II: Two of the top four wide receivers in the league are Arizona Cardinals. I am not certain, but I strongly suspect, that this is one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. They may not wind up there at the end of the year, but y'all might want to start stocking up on high-caliber weaponry and canned beets, just in case.

Stat of the Week III: Two weeks ago, John started three players that were outscored by players on the bench and lost. Last week, he started four players that were outscored by players on the bench and lost. In last week's Update, I provided, free of charge, the following piece of advice for John: "Small coaching tip for John-- you should play more guys that score a lot, instead of playing lots of guys that don't score much. Just a thought. Oh-- and pay me you friggin' deadbeat." John has, apparently, chosen to ignore the sterling advice of the Update, as he once again played three players that were outscored by players on the bench. And lost. I'm going out on a limb here, but I really think there could a direct correlation between starting the right players and winning. Though I should add, in the interest of fairness, that choosing McCown (bench) over McNair (starter), Chris Perry (bench) over Mike Anderson (starter) and Brian Finneran (bench) over David Givens (starter) were not easy calls to make. Oh, and pay me you friggin' deadbeat. I also suppose, in the interest of fairness, that I should point out that John's defense is just dreadful-- teams are AVERAGING 59 points against the Posts. Next closest to that are the Hairballs, and they are only letting teams score 53.2 points a game. And we all thought the Packers' defense was bad.

Stat of the Week IV: Troy's Stumbling Alcoholics are leading the Piece of Work Division despite having the lowest point total of anyone in that division and the fourth lowest in the league. Once again proving that defense wins championships. Or that Troy is one lucky SOB. Probably both.

Game Capsules

Canines Stake Claim to "Best Team" Title. Mass Hysteria Ensues.

In a "dogs and cats living together" moment, the Fearsome Canines clearly established themselves as the best team in the league this week. This came as quite a shock to the cosmos, though the damage was somewhat reduced by Scotty actually drafting a good team last year. But still. Come on. A Scott Craine coached and managed team as the best in the entire league? Inconceivable! But there it is. One week after pummeling the previously undefeated Hairballs, the Fearsome Canines wupped it up the previously hot Motor City Cheeseheads, 61.5 to 37.6. For the season, the Canines are averaging nearly 57 points a game, which is over three points a game more than anyone else in the league. They've won four straight, and show no signs of slowing down until week 10, when Palmer, L.T., Chad Johnson and Gates will all be on bye. Oh, and just to confirm that Troy is a REALLY lucky SOB, whom I hate rather a lot, naturally that's the week the Stumbling Alcoholics play the Canines. Nice. In a great piece of coaching, the Motor City Cheeseheads sat tight ends Daniel Graham (11.9) and Jason Witten (8.0) for super-stud TE Steve Heiden's stellar 1.1. Update sources have verified that there is no truth to the rumor that the Cheeseheads' staff hired John as a coaching consultant prior to submitting their week five lineup.

Stumbling Alcoholics Take Division Lead Despite Not Being Very Good

As noted above, the Stumbling Alcoholics have the lowest point total in the division, yet they are 4-1 and lead the blasted thing. How wrong is that? This week, despite getting a whopping 7.1 total out of his wide recievers and tight end, Coach Troy's group hung on for a brutal 37.6 to 33.4 victory over the Diamond Boys. The anemic offense, I use the term loosely, of the Diamond Boys was lead, and I use that term even more loosely, by Rudi Johnson's 8.3. It was all downhill from there for Coach Frank's crew, who fell to 2-3 and, at least for the moment, out of the playoff picture. So, the question for the ages is... well, who knows, that's pretty deep and metaphysical for a bleeding fantasy football newsletter, don't you think? What am I, Kant? But we should find out if the Alcoholics can handle the pressure of being a front runner this coming week, as the Centurions come to town for a match up of 4-1 squads.

Centurions Continue Relentless Advance

Ye gods these guys are consistent: 48.5, 51.6, 55.4, 55.0 and 55.3. The pressure of such a grinding, inexorable offensive force just seems to wear the opposition out. Of course, Coach John starting three players that were outscored by folks on the bench didn't hurt Coach Adam's cause any, but this gaffe could also be ascribable to said offensive pressure. Or to John being a deadbeat. Wait, no. Or to John just being cursed to suffer loss after loss until he pays for last year. Wait, no. Well, maybe. But more likely it's just that the Centurions are anchored by a stud QB (Bulger), a stud RB (James), and the complimentary (not free, but contributary) players step up when needed. For the nonce, the well-oiled Roman column of football destruction just keeps grinding 'em up and spitting 'em out. Kinda weird, and definitely geeky, but I'm already looking forward to the week 12 match-up between the explosive Canines and the steadily overwhelming Centurions.

Mossless 'Balls Gather No Wins.

Yikes that was a horrendous headline. How'd that get past the editors? What is this, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel? Well, okay, so be it. The Hairballs were without moody, annoying, petulant, but undeniably talented, super stud WR Randy Moss in week 5, and despite a tremendous fill in performance by Joe Jurehowtheheckdoyouspellthisname, fell to the resurgent Chocolate Foam (ah man, another dreadful double entendre-- I think I'm stuck writing and AC/DC song) 71.0 to 60.7. Domanick Davis finally broke out of his season long slump for the Foam, and his 17.3 lead strong performances by Jim's entire team. The win kept the Foam's division championship hopes alive and moved them into the playoff picture, while the loss dropped the Hairballs from the top of the Piece of Work Division to... well, I've whined enough about that.

Metal Mayhem Wins On "Free Earplugs" Night

Amps that go to 11. Screaming, 200 horsepower engines. Power chords. Revving throttles. Oh yeah, you can bet it was loud at the House of Mayhem last weekend. Thankfully for the half dozen or so fans who showed up for the game between the Metal Mayhem and the Snowmobilers, free earplugs were distributed by FEMA representatives prior to the game. In the end, monster games from headbangers Mark "Thrash" Brunell (17.8) and Anquan "Pierce" Boldin (16.5) were enough to take the game, 58.7 to 49.9. The Snowmobilers were lead by Steven "not Tyler" Jackson (13.9) and Jake "not The Snake" Delhomme (12.1). After the game, Coach Dave was upbeat about his team's future. "It's coming, baby. Snow! Mounds of the stuff. Blizzards, killer icicles, ice damns! All coming and coming soon! And when it does-- WHAMMO! We're off!" There was more, but at this point Dave stopped shouting and the Update was unable to make out his words through the earplugs.

No Cadillac Equals No Victory for Dimestick Cowboys

With rookie sensation Carnell "Cadillac" Williams up on blocks this past weekend, the Dimestick Cowboys had nobody to pair with Shaun Alexander in their backfield. Playing 5 on 6 against the Barkeeps, the Cowboys kept it close with big games from Alexander and QB Tom Brady, but came up short, 47.3 to 52.0. In contrast to the Cowboy's backfield, the Barkeeps got excellent games from both Tatum Bell and Thomas Jones to easily eclipse their previous season high of 47.0.

Did Someone really HAVE to win?

I mean, the final score was 29.4 to 26.5. Can't we just give them BOTH a loss? No? Sigh. Okay, well, Russ' Renaissance Men managed to suck ever so slightly less than Coach Rod's Knights Who Say Ni and "won" the game. This matchup featured two guys that didn't play (Mike Vick for the Kanniggits and Duce Staley for the Ren Men), ten players that "racked up" less than seven points, and only two double digit scores-- 11.6 for Sanatana Moss and 10.5 for Aaron Brooks. Both of those guys were Ren Men, which was enough to tip the balance of sucking less to Russ' side. Are we sure we can't just assign them both losses?

Labels: Sports

Posted by: Nick W. / 1:49 PM