Libertarian Librarian

Standings

Ick Division
1. Hairballs, 1-0, 65.1
2. Renaissance Men, 1-0, 52.9
3. Metal Mayhem, 1-0, 45.6
4. Stumbling Alcoholics, 1-0, 42.0
5. Diamond Boys, 0-1, 50.5
6. Motor City Cheeseheads, 0-1, 46.5
7. Knights Who Say Ni, 0-1, 43.0

Crud Division
1. Snowmobilers, 1-0, 50.8
2. Centurions, 1-0, 48.5
3. Dimestick Cowboys, 1-0, 44.0
4. Chocolate Foam, 0-1, 43.3
5. Fearsome Canines, 0-1, 43.3
6. Posts, 0-1, 41.9
7. Barkeeps, 0-1, 32.7

If the playoffs were today…
1. Hairballs, 1-0, 65.1
2. Snowmobilers, 1-0, 50.8
3. Renaissance Men, 1-0, 52.9
4. Centurions, 1-0, 48.5
5. Metal Mayhem, 1-0, 45.6
6. Diamond Boys, 50.5

If the Barrel Bowl was today...
11. Chocolate Foam/Fearsome Canines, 0-1, 43.3
12. Knights Who Say Ni, 0-1, 43.0
13. Posts, 0-1, 41.9
14. Barkeeps, 0-1, 32.7


On the outside looking in:
7. Dimestick Cowboys, 1-0, 44.0
7. Motor City Cheeseheads, 46.5

On the edge of ignominity:
10. Fearsome Canines/Chocolate Foam, 0-1, 43.3

Stat of the Week I: During the draft, GM Frank of the Diamond Boys joked not once, not twice, but at least four times that GM Nick of the Hairballs had selected the third best Smith (Steve) early than two other, better, Smiths (Jimmy and Rod). After one week: Steve Smith 13.8, Jimmy Smith, 13.0 and Rod Smith, 9.0.

Stat of the Week II: This week’s top RB, Willie Parker (20.2), top TE, Chris Baker (12.4) and #5 WR, Frisman Jackson (12.8) were not played. Indeed, Baker and Jackson aren’t even on a roster at this point.

PICKUP ALERT: There will be weekly pickups this year, BUT—they will not start until after next week’s games. The reason for this is to get a better barometer of which are the best, and worst, teams. Pickups will be in inverse order of record with points as the tie-breaker for teams with the same record.

Hairballs No “Ninnies” on the Field
After being stung in print by accusations of ninnyhood, Coach Nick challenged his spit covered group of round hair to prove their worth. All but Jamal Lewis resoundingly answered the challenge as the Hairballs rolled up the week’s highest point total, 65.1, in a thorough thrashing of the Posts. Jake Plummer, despite looking lost, confused and completely incompetent during much of the game, still rolled up 14.3 points to lead the Hairballs, as Steve Smith chipped in 13.8, Randy Moss 13.0 and Warrick Dunn, 11.7. Ernie Conwell—you can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him—had a career day for the Hairballs, putting up a gaudy 7.1 points from the TE position, and outdueling the Posts’ perennial all-pro TE Tony Gonzalez, who netted 5.1. Kerry Collins and Keenan McCardell were solid for the Posts, with 13.4 and 12.3 respectively, but Mike Anderson got hurt, Roy Williams plays for the Lions, and Corey Dillon was below average, leading to a lackluster 41.9 point total for the defending league champs. After the game, Hairball QB Jake Plummer commented, “I was dazed, confused and completely incompetent during most of the game, but I knew I had to keep chucking the rock around for Coach’s sake. I mean, some of the other coaches were calling him a ninny and stuff, and while he may be the slowest drafting GM in the history of sports, he’s no ninny. The whole team felt a need to play well to make those other loudmouthed coaches shut their yaps.” The Posts wasted outstanding performances by running backs Willie Parker (20.2) and Lamont Jordan (11.0) and, for reasons unknown to anyone with a brain, Coach John elected to start a Lion not named Kevin Jones.

Snowmobilers Welcome Rookie to the League
Balanced scoring was enough for the Snowmobilers to edge past the freshman Motor City Cheesehead squad, 50.8 to 46.5. The Snowmobilers, picked—for the six millionth time—by this publication to miss the playoffs, began yet another playoff run behind Tiki Barber’s 12.2 and Jake Delhomme’s 12.3, and got solid contributions from Steven Jackson, Drew Bennett and Alge Crumpler. Willis McGahee, Reuben Droughns and Peyton Manning all performed well in the Cheesehead’s league debut, but the air game let the rookies down, as big name receivers Marvin Harrison, Hines Ward and Jason Witten managed only 10.6 points combined. After the game, the three-headed weirdness that is the Cheeseheads’ coach had the following statement: “We live in Detroit, and thus it will take us a little while to realize that it isn’t illegal to complete a forward pass. Having watched Joey Harrington for a number of years, it is hard to break free of the conception that forward passes must clang harmlessly to the turf or be thrown to defenders. But we are working on changing this mindset and believe that the passing game will improve as the season progresses.” The fact that the statement was chanted in three-part harmony was truly, truly disturbing.

Renaissance Men Disdain Diamond’s “sparkiliness”
“The Diamond Boys are all glitz,” said Russ, the coach of the Renaissance Men. “Sure, they sparkle and shine real purtylike, but it’s all just surface deep. No substance. We old rusty dudes are all about substance. And sharp metal objects that can hack off other people’s appendages.” While no appendages were hacked, the Renaissance Men did hang on for a win, 52.9 to 50.5, as the Diamond Boys’ quarterback—that fine Irish lad Donovan McNabb—came up just short on Monday night. The Diamond Boys’ coach was unavailable for comment, though this reporter did overhear him muttering what sounded like, “Late picks, late picks. End of every freakin’ round. What were the odds?!”

Centurions Win Despite Kanniggit Taunting
Despite being called a “smeller of other people’s bottoms” by Coach Rod of the Knights, the Centurions went stoically about the business of kicking Kaaaaaaaniggit behind. Coach Adam’s crew was lead by Marc Bulger’s 18.9 and a workmanlike 11.4 out of The Edge. They were also helped out by the fact that #2 Kanniggit running back J.J. Arrington plays for the Cardinals (2.7 pts.) and that stud-muffin Kanniggit TE Chris Baker (12.4) was riding Coach Rod’s pine (Yikes! That’s a nasty visual) while craphead, always injured TE Todd Head was starting and getting only 3.8 points. Claims of parental elderberrihood were insufficient to stop the Centurions, though claims of hamster maternity did seem to trouble Centurions’ Tight End, Heath Miller who caught only one pass for three yards (also for a TD, but who care about those, right?).

Long Haired Freaks Tame Puppies
The newly minted Metal Mayhemese opened their rookie campaign with a tight 45.6 to 43.3 victory over the Fearsome Canines. Most independent observors believe the Mayhem benefited from the ear-splitting power chords that accompanied the Mayhem players’ performance and which left many of the widdle pups of Coach Scottie’s crew covering theirs ears with their paws in a rather comical fashion. #2 wide receiving pup Ashley Lelie seemed especially susceptible to the “music” of the Metal Mayhem, as she caught only two balls for a pathetic 17 yards (1.7 points for the mathematically impaired). On the other side of the ball, the Mayhemese got a strong game out of Deion Branch-- and that really is a heavy metal sort of name, don’tcha think?-- and solid performances from Duante Culpepper, Kevin Jones and Darrell Jackson. “Hair rules, man! Hair rules!” said head Metaler, Coach Steve after the game while forking his index and pinky fingers at us in the traditional sign of warding against the evil eye.

Dimestick Cowboys Win Despite Absence of Talent
During the draft, everyone wondered what GM C.J. was thinking taking Amani Toomer in the fourth round. Did he know something the rest of us didn’t? Did Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey both die in a tragic man-love murder-suicide? Was he using a list from 2001? Turns out, C.J. didn’t know anything about anything in regards to Toomer, but started his 0 catch, 0 yard ass anyway and still won by seven yards, 44.0 to 43.3, over the Chocolate Foam. Now that’s sticking to your guns, C.J. Well done. We here at the Update strongly believe you should continue to stick to your guns and play Toomer every week-- or at least against the Hairballs. That’ll show us. Meanwhile Coach Jim is left to wonder how Dallas Clark could catch for 419 yards last year, with Marcus Pollard around, but can’t catch a cold now that he’s gone. Clark’s big, beautiful goose egg at the TE position left the Foam 0-1 and scratching their collective heads.

Stumbling Alcoholics Take Advantage of the Barkeeps
Typically, it’s the guys behind the bar that have the edge over the drooling, vertically challenged lushbombs on the other side, but in Week 1, it was the Alcoholics who staggered away victorious in an ugly, 42.0 to 32.7 contest. Clinton Portis turned in a good performance, 12.1, and the rest of the drunken ones managed to not suck too badly-- which was enough to defeat the Barkeeps’ sadsack lineup. On the plus side for Coach Tony is the fact that his second round pick of Tatum Bell is looking much better now that Mike Anderson broke himself in the season opener. In Bell and Priest Holmes, the Barkeeps might have a very good backfield. Things don’t look quite so bright for the stumbling ones, as they lose #1 wide receiver Javon Walker for the season-- though if the first week is any indication, Rod Smith will fill in for him at least adequately.

Labels: Sports

Posted by: Nick W. / 2:57 PM